The Impact of Adoption on the Family

When at last a child is theirs, the adoptive couple finally can enjoy the rewards of all their hard work. The empty crib or bed is occupied, and the arms and hearts of parents that have waited so long for their treasure to arrive are finally filled. There is a child where there was none. Now a happy, secure, harmonious family life can begin, right? Well, as we say to all new parents who either have given birth or have adopted, the real work is just beginning.

Welcoming a new child into your life, your heart, and your home is a challenging process for all parents. Adding a child will forever change the makeup of your family. For adoptive parents, the challenges can take on a slightly different dimension. When a child is adopted, parents tend to forget their child is adopted, in the sense that they do not think daily about how their child joined the family. Yet infertility, the adoption process, the reaction to the adoption from people outside of the family, and the knowledge that there is another set of parents responsible for the existence of the child all affect adoptive parents, their children, and their family.

Many waiting adoptive parents will say that there is no difference in parenting an adopted child versus a birth child— love is love and they would not feel any differently if they had a birth child. This is a very noble, heart-warming statement, and a very true statement. However, it is important to be aware of the issues that do affect adoptive families.

Adoptive families may have to deal with the judgment of outsiders or maybe even family members who may view the way they decided to build their family as “second best.” They may view adopted children as not “real” children. The stance of the adopting family regarding their new child’s belonging is crucial. The attitude that the family portrays of the child’s entitlement and inclusion on the family roster leads the way to the extended family and friends developing the same viewpoint.

If a family decides to do an interracial adoption, they will most likely experience racism, and the devastating impact that it can have on their child.

Adoptive families also have the issues of identity to deal with. All children hit a certain developmental stage where they start to question who they are and what their purpose in life is, but adopted children experience this ten fold. The child who is adopted cannot look at her adoptive family’s photo album and muse: “I must have gotten my green eyes from Uncle Gene.” Children who are adopted do not have the luxury of knowing their biological roots.

Children who are adopted also have the issue of abandonment to deal with. Why would my parents give me up? Wasn’t I good enough? These questions are important to adoptees. It is important for adoptive families to recognize this and to allow their children to grieve and discuss their feelings.

Although it may be difficult at times, adoptive parents need to allow their children to discuss their feelings about their birth parents. If adoptees sense that their adoptive parents are uncomfortable with the discussion of birth parents, they will stop talking in order to protect their parents' feelings. This may resolve an uncomfortable situation for the adoptive parents in the short term, but in the end, it will only cause more anger and grief for the child.

The fact that adoptive families may have issues from infertility to abandonment to deal with, does not make them any less a family. In fact, it may create a very strong and bonded family that is able to face anything together. Although it is very important to remember and acknowledge the issues that surround your adoptive family, it is also important to never forget the gift of adoption and parenthood and the joy that it brings your family. Be aware of the issues but never forget that first and foremost you are a family. Not a birth family, not an adoptive family, but just a family.